Week 13 - Day 2 03 August - Enter the Washinator

As previously mentioned I had come to the conclusion that the on-going fat funk and lack of weight loss had a lot to do with well...my training regime. After much pondering and self reflection (excuse me my gag reflex just kicked in at my self actualisation...) the 'Biggest Loser' powers that be made a decision...being the most pitiful contestant to ever not grace the Biggest Loser household it has been decided by the Universal Fat Gods that I will be banished from the Biggest Loser 'house' and placed in the maniacal, cruel and tortuous hands of....

The Washinator

Unlike his predecessor the Washinator revels in fat filth, drinks the screams of vomiting fatties and laps up the profanities expelled from the mouths of waddling loads of lard...

Ladies and Gentlemen...I give you....THE WASHINATOR!!!

By Gods I should be in Hollywood selling this stuff...it was MADE for television...anyhoo I digress back to the story so far.

Having been in a perpetual state of frustration for the last 4 weeks I came to the conclusion that my body had just...well...gotten used to the training that I was doing...it was in...well maintenance mode and nothing that was happening at Satan's Lair appeared to be changing that! My food intake had been good (remember people I am Oprah I do have a personal Chef!) but my efforts on the exercise front just didn't seem to be progressing beyond the 1-2hour mark at what at the time I thought was a decent intensity...how wrong could a little fat waddle be? But more about that later...

Satan's Lair (Genesis Windsor) has a smorgasbord selection of PT's that are designed to suit your every need...From fat burning specialist, to hulk and bulk builders the Wellness Centre (I refuse to call it a gym...that's soooo 80's!) caters to most people's needs and wants when it comes to a Personal Fitness Guru!!

However, the perpetually fat little living biggest loser is in desperate need of something...well unique...something....special....something just a little maniacal...someone that is well...the Biggest Bitch you have ever come across in your entire life...enter Washington S from this point forth to be known as....The Washinator!!!

As I mentioned on Monday, a pescy little thing called work has interrupted my real job of losing weight and today was no different...I just made the decision that it was all too hard and didn't bother to drag my sorry fat arse to Satan's Lair for fear of...exercise. What the day did hold for me however was my second introduction to...the Washinator. When was my first you may ask...well let me tell you...

It was a dark and stormy night with no moon to be seen in the sky...the gentle hoot of an Owl and the spine tingling cries of a coyote in the distance...god I'm good but this was not actually how it happened. As you are all aware the Tour De Fat has been in full swing for a number of weeks now (although a number of stages have been postponed due to lack of effort on my part). However, this particular afternoon, I think it was a Wednesday afternoon about a week ago, that the Team Da Phat made an appearance for the 5th stage of the Tour De Fat...myself (obviously the group leader), the G-Star and Madster all saddled up for a rough ride...enter the Washinator...the set up for the session was:

Spare Bike...G-Star...LBL....Madster

All in the front row, all somewhat ready, not really willing and certainly not able to complete Stage 5. To our slight discomfort there entered a bit of a burly lad...salt and pepper close cropped hair, lycra (oh my god LYCRA) and a disconcerting pep in his step as he sidled up to the G-Star and jumped or was that leapt onto the bike next to her...OK no problem...sorry correction BIG PROBLEM...enter the Washinator!!

The Washinator, who as we found out later, is a dab hand at the old Tour De Fat, woo hooed his way through the entire 45min session whilst also fiddling with the G-Star's nobs (on her bike people...minds out of the gutter) and on several occasions highlighted that (via sign language) he had his eyes on my luscious G-Star and her efforts...the G-Star and I just assumed that this maniac was simply a new member of Satan's Lair with nothing better going on in his life...how wrong could we have been...

A mere week later and we found ourselves sitting across from this maniacal smiling fatsassin regaling him my tales of fat woe from the past 12 weeks! Ladies and Gentlemen...I would like you to meet...Washington aka The Washinator aka THE BITCH!!!

A little, just a snippet about the Washinator's background...he's a nurse/midwife as well as a PT and fitness fanatic, he has also been (in no particular order) a weight lifter, a trainer for the Australian Women's Weight Lifting Team and now his greatest challenge to date....MY TRAINER or put another way...My Bitch!

For the next 4 weeks the Washinator is going to dish out his unique brand of punishment in order for me to shift the FAT!! The Washinator is going to see me through to the end of the 'in house' part of this experiment and then...with any bad luck...he will also be my Fat de Force for the 3 months til grand finale...

So, with a new training schedule locked in and a serious amount of trepidation in my little fat heart...we Wash tomorrow!!!

Yours in fatness

LBL

Week 13 - 02 August

So we have made it (so to speak) to Week 13 not necessarily in one piece and certainly not mentally intact but we have crawled, waddled, sweated and sworn our way to this point!

Let's be honest, I seem to be making out that this is some momentous occasions but it's not...remember although we may only have 4 weeks left 'in the game' we still have 3 months...count it 3 months people to do this 'by myself' before grand finale!!

As I continue to waddle my way through this insanity I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of my readers...the accountability that you have 'enforced' on me is the only reason (other than the fact that I still remain FAT) that gets me through this. So I must admit I feel somewhat guilty that I have let you down with my lack of blogging for the last few weeks and for this I apologise...that's all about to change...

I know that sounds ominous and believe me...it is! but more about that later...

Let's talk about today...Week 13 Day 1 - 02 August 2010

I think I previously mentioned that to my absolute disgust...the G-Star has organised that I must work this week...when I say work I MEAN... 9.00am to 5.00pm nine to five as Dolly once waxed lyrical and let me just tell you...I tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen, pore myself a cup of ambition, yawnin' stretchin' trying to come to life ( forgive me my Westside Story moment...I am gay after all!) I digress...

I believe I have previously mentioned that I recognise my experiment has not been 'real to life' given the fact that well...I am a kept woman! During this little experiment I haven't been working full time (in a earning a wage capacity) but rather have been looking or attempting to make Living Biggest Loser my 'job' - obviously my performance in this role has been lack lustre to say the least! Come to think of it...I would sack myself! So back to the story so far...

There is no PT booked in this week...I am on my own...I have lost my trainer because I didn't win the last challenge...goodness I'm melodramatic...I should be on the stage people!!!

This combined with the 'work' factor means...it's gonna be a shit week people! (That would be that optimism shinning through again people)

So the day kicked off in a flurry of...figuring out what to wear...now this may seem like a simple task people but thanks to the G-Star I have no comfortable FAT clothes left...she threw them all out...there are now a lot of happy fat people going in to the St Vinnies store and getting cheap, fat designer clothing! So can I just highlight that I am NOT yet a good, comfortable size 18... On a good day I am more like a size 18.5 or better yet 19! So the thought of spending an entire work day in my newly purchased size 18 pair of still fat people's jeans was...to say the least...not appealing...but given that I have no other clothes this was what I squeezed, forced, squished my fat chub in to...not happy G NOT HAPPY!!!!

The intention...which we have established I am REALLY GOOD at intentions...was to head to Satan's Lair for a morning cardio session but given my fat clothing crisis...this was never going to happen!

It has raised a really interesting set of ponderings for me I must say...question readers...how do fat people successfully lose their fat when they have a full time job, a family, kids...a life???? Answer...mostly They Dont!!! This shit is hard people...hard!!!!

Combine this with the fact that I was sooooo disorganised in relation to my 'planned' food in take for the day and things were in hell in the hand basket even before I stepped foot outside my front door! The only shinning light in an otherwise piss poor day was my little ray of sunshine the Madster...my personal chef, head Cheer Leader and all round amazing little dynamo...dinner was ready and waiting for when we got home. I must confess I completely undid the deliciously low fat pork and bok choy feast she had prepared with a vita wheat and Milo melt down later in the evening...this I can only tie to the fact that I was mentally exhausted and reverted to my perfectly learned behaviour of finding comfort and contentment in...food!

OK thanks for that Dr Freud...moving on

In a nut shell there was no exercise today...none, niente, bubcuss, nada, zip, zippo

What was an outcome of the day was a very long and difficult conversation with B-Man and Jacks about my lack of fat loss...conclusion..wait for it people...enter my equivalent of the Commando!

Now I can't go in to all the details as yet because everything hasn't been put into play but hold your breath people...it's going to be a bumpy ride...

Must go...need sleep...will talk tomorrow...

Yours in fatness

LBL