As previously mentioned I had come to the conclusion that the on-going fat funk and lack of weight loss had a lot to do with well...my training regime. After much pondering and self reflection (excuse me my gag reflex just kicked in at my self actualisation...) the 'Biggest Loser' powers that be made a decision...being the most pitiful contestant to ever not grace the Biggest Loser household it has been decided by the Universal Fat Gods that I will be banished from the Biggest Loser 'house' and placed in the maniacal, cruel and tortuous hands of....
The Washinator
Unlike his predecessor the Washinator revels in fat filth, drinks the screams of vomiting fatties and laps up the profanities expelled from the mouths of waddling loads of lard...
Ladies and Gentlemen...I give you....THE WASHINATOR!!!
By Gods I should be in Hollywood selling this stuff...it was MADE for television...anyhoo I digress back to the story so far.
Having been in a perpetual state of frustration for the last 4 weeks I came to the conclusion that my body had just...well...gotten used to the training that I was doing...it was in...well maintenance mode and nothing that was happening at Satan's Lair appeared to be changing that! My food intake had been good (remember people I am Oprah I do have a personal Chef!) but my efforts on the exercise front just didn't seem to be progressing beyond the 1-2hour mark at what at the time I thought was a decent intensity...how wrong could a little fat waddle be? But more about that later...
Satan's Lair (Genesis Windsor) has a smorgasbord selection of PT's that are designed to suit your every need...From fat burning specialist, to hulk and bulk builders the Wellness Centre (I refuse to call it a gym...that's soooo 80's!) caters to most people's needs and wants when it comes to a Personal Fitness Guru!!
However, the perpetually fat little living biggest loser is in desperate need of something...well unique...something....special....something just a little maniacal...someone that is well...the Biggest Bitch you have ever come across in your entire life...enter Washington S from this point forth to be known as....The Washinator!!!
As I mentioned on Monday, a pescy little thing called work has interrupted my real job of losing weight and today was no different...I just made the decision that it was all too hard and didn't bother to drag my sorry fat arse to Satan's Lair for fear of...exercise. What the day did hold for me however was my second introduction to...the Washinator. When was my first you may ask...well let me tell you...
It was a dark and stormy night with no moon to be seen in the sky...the gentle hoot of an Owl and the spine tingling cries of a coyote in the distance...god I'm good but this was not actually how it happened. As you are all aware the Tour De Fat has been in full swing for a number of weeks now (although a number of stages have been postponed due to lack of effort on my part). However, this particular afternoon, I think it was a Wednesday afternoon about a week ago, that the Team Da Phat made an appearance for the 5th stage of the Tour De Fat...myself (obviously the group leader), the G-Star and Madster all saddled up for a rough ride...enter the Washinator...the set up for the session was:
Spare Bike...G-Star...LBL....Madster
All in the front row, all somewhat ready, not really willing and certainly not able to complete Stage 5. To our slight discomfort there entered a bit of a burly lad...salt and pepper close cropped hair, lycra (oh my god LYCRA) and a disconcerting pep in his step as he sidled up to the G-Star and jumped or was that leapt onto the bike next to her...OK no problem...sorry correction BIG PROBLEM...enter the Washinator!!
The Washinator, who as we found out later, is a dab hand at the old Tour De Fat, woo hooed his way through the entire 45min session whilst also fiddling with the G-Star's nobs (on her bike people...minds out of the gutter) and on several occasions highlighted that (via sign language) he had his eyes on my luscious G-Star and her efforts...the G-Star and I just assumed that this maniac was simply a new member of Satan's Lair with nothing better going on in his life...how wrong could we have been...
A mere week later and we found ourselves sitting across from this maniacal smiling fatsassin regaling him my tales of fat woe from the past 12 weeks! Ladies and Gentlemen...I would like you to meet...Washington aka The Washinator aka THE BITCH!!!
A little, just a snippet about the Washinator's background...he's a nurse/midwife as well as a PT and fitness fanatic, he has also been (in no particular order) a weight lifter, a trainer for the Australian Women's Weight Lifting Team and now his greatest challenge to date....MY TRAINER or put another way...My Bitch!
For the next 4 weeks the Washinator is going to dish out his unique brand of punishment in order for me to shift the FAT!! The Washinator is going to see me through to the end of the 'in house' part of this experiment and then...with any bad luck...he will also be my Fat de Force for the 3 months til grand finale...
So, with a new training schedule locked in and a serious amount of trepidation in my little fat heart...we Wash tomorrow!!!
Yours in fatness
LBL
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