Week 13 - Day 4 Thursday 5 August

I realise there appears to be some discrepancies in my story for week 13...namely that hideous concept of work that the G-Star seems determined to inflict upon me...

Well you see, unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your way of thinking) my lovely little head Cheer Leader and Team Da Phat member, the Madster had been left to her own devices whilst the G-Star and I trudged off to work on Monday and Tuesday. Now I know the Madster is a big girl and all but sometimes a girl needs their mum and on Tuesday afternoon feeling excessively under the weather the Madster needed her mum...coming home after a long day's learning and finding the Madster in no fit state to go to work (at her part-time job) and worse still...in no fit state to cook for me!!! It was agreed that for the next couple of days the Madster required some mummy TLC...the result...a pass from working the rest of the week (at least for the time being) and some dedicated mummy time as well as....training! So that's the why and wherefore of how I came to be thrown into the fat tamers hands on the Wednesday!

On to today...I realise we haven't really talked about it much other than to mention my Vita Wheat and Milo meltdowns but I think I should possibly get you up to speed as to how the food / diet has been established over the past 12 weeks. In preparation of this experiment I purchased a range of Biggest Loser paraphernalia including cook books and treat tips as well as joining the on-line Biggest Loser Club. In the first few weeks I attempted to struggle my way through consuming the Biggest Loser shakes as a meal replacement in order to 'hit' the 1200 calories that 'the Club' had set down as my intake goal (based on the stats that had been put in to thier system). In spite of the incredible support and cheffing skills of my Madster the food has, is and continues to be a daily source of struggle for me in this insanity.

Having discussed my dietary measures with the Washinator it was agreed that at this pointy end of the 'game' it would be worthwhile to investigate the option of a dietitian to provide some insight and direction in the diet side of this equation...enter the red headed firecracker known as Lauren 'the food guru' Nugent...

So before we get to meet Lauren I really should take you through the day as it progressed...

As mentioned in the previous blog, the new 'Wash'ing' schedule includes a cardio session first thing in the morning (or at least what constitutes first thing for me...7am) so dragging my sore and very fat sorry arse out of bed I headed off to Satan's Lair for the first 'session' of punishment to be delivered for the day....and of course it had to be our least favourite piece of sadomasochistic equipment...The DREADMILL.

Interestingly enough the session on the Dreadmill which lasted for approximately 76mins (give or take toilet breaks and as a factual representation of the previously afore mentioned concept that the Washinator is unable to tell the time) was interesting and challenging at the same time. The session including attempting to 'jog/run' for longer stretches at a time...made it to 6mins in one stint at about 7km/h...in addition to this we also did sprints (30 sec on 40 sec off) and delivered a PB of 12km/h sprint...throw in some quick walks and a few hills and the time didn't fly by but rather crawled at an agonising pace delivering me ever closer to a washed up pool of sweat on Satan's Lair's finely polished floor. Apparently, and a new innovation for me is the 'reward' for my hard work of a stretch session delivered by....you guessed it...the maniacal one! I really am yet to realise the 'reward' aspect of this area of our 'sessions' as it basically rendered me in foetal position sucking my fat thumb crying and screaming profanities that include the likes of 'F**K OFF!!!"

Anyhoo...crawling out of Satan's Lair the day was busy, busy, busy with doctor's appointments running around and penultimately...my meeting with Lauren the 'food guru'...

Now it is fair to say I am pretty cynical when it comes to 'dietitians' the majority of whom I have ever come across look like caricatures of stick insects with personalities to match (apologies to any readers who are dietitians!) This however is not the first impression you get from Firecracker Nugent aka Lauren who has a healthy and one might say realistic outlook on food and the fat person...

So taking along the trusty Madster to fill in gaps and ask questions the hour session with Lauren was productive, enlightening and somewhat depressing given that I have in all likelihood done more harm than good with the minimalist approach to food intake over the last 12 weeks...

Another not so good piece of news is that things will probably get worse before they get better because at this point we (that is me) have to reset my metabolism which (as the last four weeks of limited fat movement has clearly evidenced) has drawn to a grinding halt in spite of whatever exercise or output efforts I have made.

To this end, the new eating regime includes a solid balance of carbs, protein and fruit/veg from a variety of sources all lovingly prepared and presented by my personal Chef...the Madster.

Following my session with Lauren it was off to Satan's Lair for my second PT session with the Washinator...not as hideous (on a sliding scale) as the previous day but still unpleasant!

All in all a productive, challenging and tiresome day....off to bed....

Yours in fatness and dietary information

LBL

Week 13 - Day 3 - 4 August...And in the beginning there was pain!

I recognise that when you start a new relationship there are usually birds chirping, butterflies fluttering and a slight queasy sensation in the pit of your stomach at the thought of seeing and being with your 'new' other half...

My new relationship imbues me with a nauseous sensation in my stomach, a cold sweat across my forehead and arm pits and a somewhat sick taste in my mouth...good morning Washinator!!

Entering into the first 'training' of week 13 I had had a few days to ponder my chubby navel and consider the what next with little to no exertion from my little fat body...oh bliss! However, doing nothing is not going to get this little fat fatty anywhere and as a 'wise' person once said...doing what you have always done will get you what you have always gotten...that is FAT!!

So the Washinator and I have devised a new schedule (said with a Vinny Barbarina twang...that is skedoole) and it looks a little like this (please keep in mind people that this is my 'introductory' few days with the Washinator...apparently next week THINGS WILL CHANGE...and we can safely assume NOT for the better!!)



This is not a test people...this is the REAL THING! And unfortunately for my fat little body I feel like the last 12 weeks have been a mere dawdle in comparison with what this maniac has in store for me...at the end of 'day 1' with the Washinator there is only one statement I can make...

I HURT

I don't mean slight discomfort or a little twinge....I truly HURT and I'm sure if I could feel any major limbs in my body I would HURT EVEN MORE!!!

So why do I hurt....well sit down a while and let me tell you WHY!!!!

Our morning PT session was, as I quickly found out, the Washinator's SIASS...suck it and see session. What do I mean by this...well the Washinator needed to determine my 'level' of fitness (to use my recently coined turn of phrase and oxymoron...my Fit Fatness). I can honestly say I never would have thought you could hurt, sweat and swear so much 'just' doing step ups! This is probably a pertinent time to tell you something that I am not proud of...it is humiliating and is something that leaves me guffawing when it happens on the Biggest Loser (due to its pathetic nature)...today in my first session with the Washinator...I...almost..........cried!

There I've said it, I am now officially a REALLY pathetic fat person that cries at exercise...my gods what has become of me???

Moving right along (it does no good to dwell on one's dismal fatcomings) the Washinator did 'achieve' something that hasn't occurred for over 11 weeks....I may not have succumbed to lying on the floor in a pool of my own sweat and crying BUT....I did spew! Apparently, as I have now learnt, this has absolutely no effect on the Washinator except for the inconvenient fact that I was required to have downtime to run/waddle to the ladies to spew...he is putting his mind to how he might be able to 'save time' and have me continue to train whilst spewing...should be novel!!

Let me tell you people, I thought I had been working hard the last 12 weeks...and I know 20/20 hindsight is a wonderful thing and that this entire experiment is just that an experiment and as such a learning process but honestly...one session with this freak and I wanted to run away to Guatemala never to be heard from again...the problem is this maniac would come and find me and make me do exercise in the hot, humid, stinking rain forrest!!!

Suffice to say that having done 'cardio' with this freak I really had no idea (and I mean NO IDEA people) of what was waiting for me in the PT session scheduled for the PM!! Oh but I soon found out...

Have you heard of the training 'philosophy' know as TiE (that's my little take on the term...it really should be DIE but I digress)...TiE stands for (in my language at least) til exhaustion (or til I'm exhausted) but apparently that doesn't mean until I think I'm exhausted...that means until this raving lunatic that I am paying by the hour thinks I'm exhausted...apparently he's big on value for money...me I'm happy to pay and get absolutely nothing in return...I don't see that as a waste of money...

So back to TiE...today's session resulted in...another spew (count it that's two, two spews for the day) and a focus on core/abs and upper body - pecs, shoulders etc. The new novelty of this kind of torture is that you don't get to stop after 10, 12, 15 or even 20 reps Oh No...you just keep going til you can't go no more and don't even think about pulling out the girly card and pretending to be spent after 10 reps...apparently the Washinator has had his heart surgically removed and tears, spew and profanity are literally water off a lunatic's back...

Apparently, following the PT session it had been determined by the fat gods in consultation with the Washinator that my day was not done...oh no...next....pull on the Jersey fatty because Team Da Phat is limbering up for Stage 6 of the Tour de Fat!!

Have limped, crawled, wheezed and sworn my way through the 45 + min session that was Stage 6 I was finally permitted to leave the Hell Fire Pits of sadomasochistic torture for the day and waddle, crawl and cry my way home for the evening...with the terrible realisation that this nightmare will continue again tomorrow...

Yours in my perpetual state of fat and pain

LBL