Neil Diamond was completely incorrect when he penned the classic Forever in Blue Jeans...he most obviously was not singing about fat people! Apparently and thanks to the international denim legend Levi's this little fatty will apparently be forever with a cold arse because according to the ignorant, rude and incredibly ugly little man at the Levi's Outlet shop in Harbour Town at Docklands in Melbourne there isn't enough denim in this world to cover my fat arse!!
But I need to digress and bring you up to speed people as to why Levi's and fat people are a match akin to Ellen and Portia De Rossi...that is they apparently just don't go...
I asked for little in terms of clothing, as a fat person I have become accustomed to shopping in the fat people's section of Myer or not at all...I cannot bring myself to buy from the Maggie T clothing line because well basically I'm not 62 and BiB (or Big is Beautiful) is just a way to convince fat people that they should have to pay obscene amounts of money for hideously patterned clothing because the clothing manufacturers had to use enough material to circumnavigate the globe to cover your Rubinesk (ie FAT) frame.
Coming to Melbourne (the shopping capital of Australia) I asked for two simple things...a new pair of jeans and a new pair of shoes (black suede Moccasins to be precise)...not a big (in terms of the quantity) ask I know but hey, I am a simple little fat duck.
So imagine my absolute gob smacking surprise when in what has to be one of the largest Myer stores in the southern hemisphere I was unable to find a pair of jeans to fit my perpetually ample frame. Now I know this should actually make me happy...when we started watching this 'program' I was a size 24 on most days and now...10 weeks into this insanity I am an almost comfortable size 18...but low and behold there was nerry a size 18 jean to be had in the fat peoples' section of Myer.
Somewhat dejected I didn't even let the glimmer of a thought that I could possibly get into a pair of Levi's cross my mind...however, the G-Star was very keen to purchase a new pair for her little peach arse so off to the Levi's Outlet Shop at Harbour town Docklands Melbourne to find a pair of jeans.
Having wandered around the shop and found a pair that suited her taste and tushy...there was unfortunately no size small enough for her in the men's style jean so her trusty little fatty headed over to the shop assistant to ask if there was a similar style in the women's line...waddling over to said shop assistant I placed the men's style jean on the counter and inquired ever so nicely, 'would there be an equivalent style in women's'...suddenly there appeared to be a foul smell that had wafted through the shop displayed by the turd under the nose look that became plastered on said shop assistants face...with a screwed up nose and dripping with disdain voice he looked me up and down and said 'oh and what s..i..z...e do you want...we ONLY go up to a 14!' As you can no doubt imagine I was somewhat incensed at this prick's reaction to a potential albeit chubby customer to which I replied 'please don't concern yourself I am not asking you to search for a pair of fat people's jeans for me but rather a pair for her!' to whit I pointed to the G-Star...a visible sigh of relief escaped said prick's lips and he sauntered over to the jeans the G-Star was seeking to which, my ever faithful supporter and biggest fan said...screw the prick we're NOT buying anything here...exit stage left with the determination to let my readers in on this little lesson as a warning not to shop at the Levi's Outlet Store Harbour Town Docklands Melbourne!
Yours in jeanless fatness
LBL
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