Rather than attempt and fail to fill in the week that has just past with daily entries I have decided to take the cheats route and cram a week's worth of torture in to one 'entertaining' entry...to whit you get week 14 from go to woe....now....
So following the abysmal weigh in result...the worst gain I have had to date I think it is safe to say...I did what I always do and went into Uber Psycho mode (I must, I must, I must decrease this bust or something along those lines) so Monday was the kick off point to a 'BIG' week (at least big in my head) and we all know where these grandiose ideas get little fat me....curled in a puddle of my own sweat, rocking back and forth and sucking my still chubby thumb...but it's not about the destination people it's about the journey...so waddling back to the beginning...
As was established the previous week...mornings are now cardio with Washi something no one in their right mind looks forward to but as we have established over the past 13 weeks I am certainly NOT in my right mind...so the Washinator's 'plan' is to have me 'burning' upwards of 800 calories is our morning cardio tortures and he appears to have given an inordinate amount of thought as to how to attain this...the Dreadmill appears to be a major partner in this arrangement as does running for longer periods of time at a slower pace...possibly a good time to mention that running at 6.8km/h for 7 mins and running at 12km/h for 30 secs IS STILL RUNNING AND IT SUCKS!! Particularly for a continuing little heffer like me! Anyway after an inordinate amount of 'running' the day also included a PT session with weights.
This was pretty much how each day panned out...cardio, PT/Weights, more cardio etc etc...no one ever said fat loss was interesting! Unfortunately in spite of my somewhat moderate efforts at Satan's Lair my food continues to be my Achilles Heel so to speak and this again let me down for the week that was...a few Vita Wheat blow outs, not eating regularly enough, not eating enough of the things I am supposed to amounted to an interesting session with the Firecracker Nugent on Friday.
Apparently my food diary is one of the more entertaining narratives Lauren has received in her dietitian practice...crap at losing weight but can certainly spin a decent tale about it!!
G-Star and the Madster also came under fire (from my direction) this week with a 'I'm not good with being deprived' argument on Wednesday night. So possibly it could be somewhat interesting to delve a little deeper in to this concept of DEPRIVATION...
As a fat person I seem to have an inordinate focus on...well...FOOD! Truth be told it's the fundamental reason for my fatness. As they say on the foxtel cooking channel...
"I LOVE FOOD!!"
Therefore if there is one thing that really pushes my buttons in a really bad way it is the thought, the whiff, the insinuation, even the suggestion of not being 'allowed' to eat something I want to eat...now let's look at that statement again...that's right I said what I WANT to eat...not what I need to eat...not what I should eat but rather WHAT I WANT TO EAT!
Even the mere idea of not being able to eat what and when I WANT to renders me a two headed screaming banshee with talons of steel, Medusa like snakes sprouting from my head and the expansion of my sizable girth to crush (with my massive weight) anyone who dares to question my food choices or eating habits...in a nutshell....It's UGLY people...U...G...L...Y
By this point in the 'game' everyone has acknowledged that my eating has been my undoing in the 'fat' loss challenge that I have set and as previously noted, to this end enter Dietitian extraordinaire Lauren Nugent...thus also enter our major mind f**k for the week...the concept of I Can't...I can't eat whatever I want whenever I want, I can't gormandise myself on 20 Vita Wheats with organic butter (mmmm butter) and Vegemite...I can't skull a litre of no fat milk with 10 teaspoons of Milo (yes people I recognise there is a contradiction in terms with that one but it works as a justification in my fat induced mind!) I can't go 6 hours without food and then sit down and binge on fat saturated and carb loaded godlike foods...well you get the picture.
So in typical Fat Person fashion I decided this week to f**k that all out the door and blame everyone else in site for my horribly deprived existence...I blamed G-Star, I certainly blamed Madster, I really blamed the Washinator, I even found ways to blame Naughty Claudie and Fat Vinny our silky terriers...about the only person that was blameless was, of course.....ME!!!
I ate breakfast, and when I say breakfast I MEAN BREAKFAST out (as in at a cafe/restaurant) about 5 out of 6 days this week, scoffed down chips, chocolate you name it I ate it...the only minuscule fat person comfort food I didn't succumb to was that glorious, grease laden, trans fat soaked food of the gods...KFC or for the more classy of my readers...Kentucky Fried Chicken...let's thank the fat Gods for small mercies shall we???
Anyway, the justification I made with my lack of commitment to food was that I was REALLY committed to my exercise this week but as we can all anticipate that was bullshit as well! Although Monday - Wednesday were average or a bit above, Thursday rocked around and there was......................................................nothing.
Cancelled cardio, cancelled tour de fat, cancelled PT just basically f**king cancelled Thursday really....I can do that you know....I'm a celebrity people!!
G-Star, Madster and Washinator were...unimpressed to say the least and inevitably this was vocalised by the G-Star in the way only she can...by yelling! She also attempted to utilise the following strategies:
1. Cajoling
2. Reasoning
3. More Yelling
4. Bribery (non food related)
5. More Yelling
6. Guilt
7. Reward and Punishment (non food related)
8. More Yelling
Well you get the picture...suffice to say the boudoir was ice, ice baby by Thursday night!
By Friday the Washinator had decided I needed to clear my head and heart and the only way to do this was by communing with nature...he really doesn't know me at all...as they say my idea of sleeping under the stars is that its a minimum of 5! Despite or perhaps in spite of my protestations of commitment and dedication the Washinator wasn't having a bar of it and with threats of stalking, abusive phone calls and grievous bodily harm it was determined that an outside/natural cardio session was called for...enter the early morning walk...
So up and out of the house a 6.15am we met on one of the local walkways and headed off at what I though was a cracking pace but according to the Washinator my pace was only marginally above that of a crawl...in spite of my histrionics for the week the G-Star and Madster cracked up at dawn as well and joined me on my morning commune...an hour or so and about 10km later we returned to where we began and we (that is me) knew that place for the first time...it was FAT!!!
Backed up for a PT session at 3pm - I think the only concession the Washinator gave me for this week was he did go rather easy on me during the 45mins (maybe I or my fat is growing on him??) and then finished the day with Stage 8 of the Tour De Fat and a new Team Da Phat member Danielle!!!
To ensure there was consistency in crap eating maintained for the week I had Pizza for dinner (once again I justify this by highlighting it was Pizza Capers 98% Fat Free Louisiana Chicken Pizza) and then off to bed.
Finally we reach the end of the week with Saturday...the only exercise achieved for today...Yoga for Beginners (which I can't say I am enjoying due to the fact that well....I'M FAT) and then shopping. The evening is set for a girls night in video night and I'm on cooking duty! Other than that the end of another hideous week is drawing to a close with little to no 'hope' of a decent result on the death dealers tomorrow...my own doing people, my own doing!
As Lauren told me on Friday...don't promise to have a perfect week because you will have failed before you even began!
So the only promise that I can make myself is to have a better week than the one just gone...
Yours in fatness
LBL
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