Week 12 - to date...26-29 July

My Fat Gods I've been a shocking example of a Fat Guru over the past few weeks!!! Following the fat funk of July 2010 which tail ended the deep fat funk of June 2010 and the even deeper fat funk of May 2010 come to think of it...I have really let the blogging go downhill...wish I could say it was because I was working soooooo hard at Satan's Lair that I haven't had the time or energy to blog about my efforts but...well...that would just be a lie now wouldn't it people!!!

Having come back from my Winter Sojourn in Melbourne all zen like and determined week 11 seemed to be somewhat of a let down... alright from a PT perspective things were OK...trained hard, worked up a sweat etc etc but really that was about it...piked on group training....completely failed in the Tour de Fat and really, other than a short run on the Tuesday during which my f'athlete injury reared its ugly head once again the week sort of came and went without much to do or real effort come to think of it. This combined with a terrible case of MASSIVE WATER/FLUID Retention (a joy that most males go through their entire lives without experiencing) and Sunday came around and I was in no state, mental or physical to do a weigh in....coward...YES....but I really couldn't bring myself to disappoint for the fourth week in a row and NOT be under 100kg!!!

So...just because I can given this is MY GAME...I've decided I'm not weighing in this week...I'm going to give myself another week to attain that ever elusive double digit on the death dealers!!! This is not unprecedented in terms of the Biggest Loser competition with the Australian series giving contestants a weigh in free or expulsion free week nearing the end of each series...so this is my week people!!

As I was pounding my fat little body into submission this morning (and not in a good way) I was trying to visualise the achievement of my objective...60kg and to be perfectly honest...I still can't. I know all the focus gurus tell you, VISUALISE...PICTURE SUCCESS...HOW WILL YOU FEEEEL WHEN YOU SLIP IN TO THOSE SIZE 12's.....

I don't f**king know how I will FEEEEL because I have been FAT my entire adult life!!! Imagination is one thing people but to me this is just la la land talk!!! At the moment, after 11 weeks of this somewhat tortuous experiment my one and only focus appears to be under 100kg and to be honest for the last 4 weeks I have let myself down week and week again...maybe it's psychological, maybe pathological, maybe I have simply convinced myself that being fat is easier??? I realise I am rambling but work with me people I have a significant lack of oxygen to the brain at the moment....

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went in a haze with only a mild effort on the exercise front being PT...although the Bastardo has stepped up the intensity to insanity levels I feel that the Bastardo and I have gotten in to a bit of a funk together...maybe I'm bored...maybe I'm boring (this I doubt given my obvious wit and humour!) but I am currently contemplating bringing in a new 'Jillian' type trainer for a few weeks to see if we can't really move some of this fat in a BIG WAY!! Just a thought...ponderings at the moment...

Anyhoo, today (being Thursday) was a complete and utter wipe out with no training due to...well due to lack of interest really...I am still at an absolute loss as to how the 'real' contestants on the Biggest Loser are able to maintain the perceived level of intensity as shown on the television for the entire competition because to be perfectly honest...as we all know I am yet to hit THAT level and would appear, for all intents and purposes to be going in the opposite direction!!

Adding to the fact that I am actually going to have to do actual WORK all next week...I mean actual 9-5 work...not at Satan's Lair...not just on my little fat experiment and things are looking really grim people...REALLY GRIM!!!!

The Fat Gods are really wreaking havoc with me at the moment...having come back from Melbourne on such a high...things have rapidly travelled downwards (and we're not talking about my weight people) in a matter of days...

Maybe I'm not cut out for this sort of thing...maybe FAT is actually MY THING (or THANG depending??) Maybe I need more positive reinforcement from my readers... people.... comments....suggestions.....abuse????

Alright...'nough said...I am off to ponder some more and hopefully by tomorrow I will have some more positive words of Fat Wisdom to regale you all with...I will also make at least one concerted effort to start blogging every day again...if only to bore you all senseless with my tales of fat woe...

Yours in continuing and perpetual over 100kg fatness

LBL

Week 11 - Tuesday 20 July...I'm BACK Baby!!!

OH MY G....O....D!!! Where to start??? Well let's start with the basics...weigh in...now as we all know I had gone AWOL and was hopelessly lost on the Utopian Planet of Noexercise...in spite of the admirable efforts of my trusty support team G-Star, Bastardo and Madster...the only way back from this enticing and fattening universe was my own shear will power and determination.... determination to not let me or you, my supporters, down!!

So with dread in my heart and a lot of trepidation I headed back to Satan's Lair first thing Tuesday morning ready for a punishing work out with the Bastardo...however, first things first...the death dealers were awaiting my arrival with their sinister point 004's and snarling over 100kg's...

And the result...well let's just look at it from the competition perspective...I don't want to ruin the anticipation for you...

Australian Competition

Contestant	Starting Weight	Week 10	Loss	%
Lisa	121.9	77.2	1.4	1.8%
Joe	179.9	113.3	2	1.8%
Phil	146.9	90.2	1	1.1%
Phoebe	116	79.5	0.8	1.0%
LBL	112	100.4	0.9	0.90%
Shannon	214.3	144.2	0.9	0.6%
David	165.6	103.6	-0.1	-0.1%
Rick	172.6
Caitlan	179.0
Daina	105.2
Chris	129.9
Wayne	161.5
Jarna	118.8
Teneal	97.4
Elise	104.6
Jenni	130.6
Geoff	161.6
Romi	99.3
Allan	151.8

That's right people...it's taken 10 weeks but I have officially (at least for one week) NOT come in last in the Australian competition...yeh for ME!!! My incredibly dark week of fat funk appears to have reinvigorated me and given my body the opportunity to FINALLY GET WITH THE PROGRAM and realise that what I am trying to do is actually a GOOD THING!! So, in spite of doing absolutely no exercise whilst we were in Melbourne (other than walking hundreds if not thousands - I'm being melodramatic here people...work with me - in search of retail therapy) the fact that I remained very determined not to overindulge in the caloric sense appears to have paid dividends!! I lost 900g or 0.9kg and am now teetering on the brink of only semi fatness (under 100kg) with a weigh in of 100.4kg for week 10!!!

Now to the US Competition:

Contestant	Starting Weight	Week 10	Loss	%
Victoria	162.73	129.58	15.42	11.9%
Melissa	105.91	91.38	7.71	8.4%
Sam	169.09	120.46	6.35	5.3%
Stephanie	120	90.48	4.08	4.5%
Sunshine	125	94.58	3.63	3.8%
Ashley	170.0	125.11	4.54	3.6%
Koli	183.18	130.5	4.54	3.5%
Lance	165.91	124.57	3.63	2.9%
Andrea	135.45	105.48	2.72	2.6%
O'Neal	176.82	134.12	3.18	2.4%
Michael	239.09	176.88	3.63	2.1%
Darris	157.27	110.95	1.81	1.6%
LBL	112	100.4	0.9	0.90%
Sherry	99.09
Cheryl	103.18
Miggy	109.09
Darryl	190.91
John	220
Cherita	125.91
Migdalia	120.45
Maria	127.73
James	220.45
Patti	110.45

Completely off the pace in the US series this week...go figure....

So with a new umph in my step and a new vibe in my attitude I hit Satan's Lair with aplomb today and gave an absolutely stellar performance in my PT session:

Session Length: 32min
Calorie Burn: 269
Fat %: 25%

And believe me...the session HURT!!! However, with my new attitude and vibe (at least I am trying to convince myself of that) I decided that after 2 weeks off due to my fathlete injury it was time to climb back on to the dreadmill and completely debase myself in a puddle of my own sweat...so booked in a run with the Bastardo for 3.00pm:

Session Length: 58min
Calorie Burn: 477
Fat%: 25%

So although not a BIG day time wise it was a good day being back in Satan's clutches and burning the fat!! This combined with a great food day thanks to my personal Chef...the Madster with beautiful combinations of vegetable rice paper rolls and a low,low fat beef nachos for dinner as well as my scrambled egg whites and sour dough for breakfast...this week is off to a flying start!

Feeling good people and am back in the mind set that I may, just may actually be able to do this...

Yours in fatness

LBL

Denim Debacle

Neil Diamond was completely incorrect when he penned the classic Forever in Blue Jeans...he most obviously was not singing about fat people! Apparently and thanks to the international denim legend Levi's this little fatty will apparently be forever with a cold arse because according to the ignorant, rude and incredibly ugly little man at the Levi's Outlet shop in Harbour Town at Docklands in Melbourne there isn't enough denim in this world to cover my fat arse!!

But I need to digress and bring you up to speed people as to why Levi's and fat people are a match akin to Ellen and Portia De Rossi...that is they apparently just don't go...

I asked for little in terms of clothing, as a fat person I have become accustomed to shopping in the fat people's section of Myer or not at all...I cannot bring myself to buy from the Maggie T clothing line because well basically I'm not 62 and BiB (or Big is Beautiful) is just a way to convince fat people that they should have to pay obscene amounts of money for hideously patterned clothing because the clothing manufacturers had to use enough material to circumnavigate the globe to cover your Rubinesk (ie FAT) frame.

Coming to Melbourne (the shopping capital of Australia) I asked for two simple things...a new pair of jeans and a new pair of shoes (black suede Moccasins to be precise)...not a big (in terms of the quantity) ask I know but hey, I am a simple little fat duck.

So imagine my absolute gob smacking surprise when in what has to be one of the largest Myer stores in the southern hemisphere I was unable to find a pair of jeans to fit my perpetually ample frame. Now I know this should actually make me happy...when we started watching this 'program' I was a size 24 on most days and now...10 weeks into this insanity I am an almost comfortable size 18...but low and behold there was nerry a size 18 jean to be had in the fat peoples' section of Myer.

Somewhat dejected I didn't even let the glimmer of a thought that I could possibly get into a pair of Levi's cross my mind...however, the G-Star was very keen to purchase a new pair for her little peach arse so off to the Levi's Outlet Shop at Harbour town Docklands Melbourne to find a pair of jeans.

Having wandered around the shop and found a pair that suited her taste and tushy...there was unfortunately no size small enough for her in the men's style jean so her trusty little fatty headed over to the shop assistant to ask if there was a similar style in the women's line...waddling over to said shop assistant I placed the men's style jean on the counter and inquired ever so nicely, 'would there be an equivalent style in women's'...suddenly there appeared to be a foul smell that had wafted through the shop displayed by the turd under the nose look that became plastered on said shop assistants face...with a screwed up nose and dripping with disdain voice he looked me up and down and said 'oh and what s..i..z...e do you want...we ONLY go up to a 14!' As you can no doubt imagine I was somewhat incensed at this prick's reaction to a potential albeit chubby customer to which I replied 'please don't concern yourself I am not asking you to search for a pair of fat people's jeans for me but rather a pair for her!' to whit I pointed to the G-Star...a visible sigh of relief escaped said prick's lips and he sauntered over to the jeans the G-Star was seeking to which, my ever faithful supporter and biggest fan said...screw the prick we're NOT buying anything here...exit stage left with the determination to let my readers in on this little lesson as a warning not to shop at the Levi's Outlet Store Harbour Town Docklands Melbourne!

Yours in jeanless fatness

LBL

AWOL

This program has been interrupted for the following newsflash...

Living Biggest Loser contestant goes AWOL over lack of weight loss...full details in the late night bulletin...

Melodramatic?? Perhaps but as you have no doubt ascertained by now I do have a flare for the dramatic...if I didn't I wouldn't be doing this now would I???

So...

When we previously 'saw' our fat heroine she was plummeting towards an irreversible and permanent state of fat having been sucked into the vortex of a deep dark fat funk. Her trusty sidekicks - G-Star, Bastardo and Madster - were unable to overpower the gravitational pull of deep fried food, butter and chocolate on the Utopian planet of Noexercise.

OK so enough of the dramatic, here's how things have played out over the last few day...since talking to you last I have been luxuriating in the joys of not 'playing' the Biggest Loser for exactly one week and it has been blissful...to say the least. Although I haven't been 'playing' per say I haven't completely thrown in the towel...my conscience and fat got the better of me and I refuse to let myself or you guys down...so let's just say I took a much needed mental health break in the beautiful shopping city of Melbourne. I recognise that Melbourne is FULL of wonderful food temptation and to be perfectly blunt I have succumbed to some of that over the last few days (in spite of my histrionics I am only human after all!) But all in all I have been enjoying shopping, relaxing and sight seeing...eating is only something we do as a component of our day NOT the focal point of it. Thus I think I have handled my Winter Temptation quite well...no doubt the deathdealers known as scales will have other ideas but we will cross that bridge once we get back to Brisbane!

I think I need to address the fat funk that you were all witness to, the whys and wherefores and the running foul of the deathdealers. After approximately 9 weeks my head rather than my body seemed to fail me. I recognise being the fathlete that I am I had sustained an injury by way of the strained calf muscle but other than that the body itself was holding up pretty well, even holding on to all its fat pretty well which basically was the problem. The 600g weight gain absolutely did my head in...and really in hindsight it shouldn't have...let's be honest, I haven't exactly been hitting the 4-6hour mark with my training and the food consumption has been cyclical to say the least. In essence, the fact that I am not yet under 100kg is at its very core my own doing...or lack of doing whichever way you want to look at it. I have really only been playing this 'game' in a half arsed manner and have reaped the lack of rewards...and for this I was feeling incredibly sorry for my fat little self.

Well no more people...Melbourne has reinvigorated me as has watching the finale of the US Biggest Loser series 4 (in which Bill won). I have had my doubts about the Australian series which I have voiced a number of times over the last 50 odd blog entries and my conclusion is now that the way the US runs their program is far more logical, healthy and long term. With this in mind I know it looks like I am changing the goal posts and in a way I suppose I am but from this point forward we are playing the US competition...what does this mean???

Well the way the US works the Biggest Loser is as follows:

16 week 'in-house' competition - which has eliminations each week etc etc
3 months or 12 weeks leaving the house competition until finale
In total it works out to be a 28week or approximately 7 months competition to lose the weight and become the Biggest Loser.

So, to date we (that is me) have been 'in' the house for approximately 10 weeks and although I am currently coming last I am still in with a fighting chance! Just to make this little experiment even more complicated for me, the G-Star and I are heading off for an overseas sojourn right in the middle of the 3 months to the finale...this should make for really interesting reading and weight loss/gain fodder!!

Not giving up the ghost on the Australian series, we still have two weeks of that competition to play out and see where, in the scheme of things, we end up...at the moment we can safely assume that will be a dismal last...but lets not jinx ourselves people!!! In the meantime I am going to commence some fat reconnaissance to see just how things have played out for the Biggest Loser Australia contestants from previous series...

On a final note and food (excuse the pun) for thought...did you know that statistically speaking 90% of people who are successful at weight loss end up regaining more weight than they lost in the first place...sobering thought!

I'm back people and from here on to finale there is only one way...DOWN!!!

Yours in Melbourne Fatness

LBL

The Fat Funk Continues...Oh and Weigh in non-results

I realise I've missed a few days blogging and no doubt you were all waiting with baited breath to read the stellar results and do high fives at my achievement of under 100kg following the weigh in on Sunday (11 July)...well you can lower your arms as I am sure they have now been rendered useless by waiting in the high five position for three days and you can unsubscribe from my blog to save yourselves the time and energy of continuing to read about my failure as a fat loss guru due to the fact that the end of week 9 saw me PUT ON WEIGHT! That's right, I went UP not down!!!

I am officially the worst Biggest Loser contestant in all of history!!! Melodramatic?? Maybe but work with me here people I am in the absolute depths of a really FAT FUNK!!!

First things first before I lie down on the blogger couch and regale you all with my tales of fat and woe...the weigh in non results...

101.3kg...a GAIN of 600g or 0.6kg

In terms of the competition...which we all recognise is an absolute joke because I really am unable to call myself a competitor at this stage...

Australian Competition

Contestant	Starting Weight	Week 9	Loss	%
Phil	146.9	91.2	7.8	8.6%
Joe	179.9	115.3	7.2	6.2%
David	165.6	103.5	4.3	4.2%
Shannon	214.3	145.1	5.5	3.8%
Lisa	121.9	78.6	2.9	3.7%
Phoebe	116	80.3	2.2	2.7%
Rick	172.6	111.6	-0.5	-0.4%
LBL	112	101.3	-0.6	-0.59%
Caitlan	179.0
Daina	105.2
Chris	129.9
Wayne	161.5
Jarna	118.8
Teneal	97.4
Elise	104.6
Jenni	130.6
Geoff	161.6
Romi	99.3
Allan	151.8

Unsurprisingly....LAST

The real turn up for the books is that I am now officially LAST in the American competition as well...now there's an achievement!!!

US Competition

Contestant	Starting Weight	Week 9	Loss	%
Sunshine	125	98.21	4.08	4.2%
Darris	157.27	112.76	4.54	4.0%
Koli	183.18	135.04	4.08	3.0%
O'Neal	176.82	137.3	4.08	3.0%
Sam	169.09	126.81	3.63	2.9%
Lance	165.91	128.2	3.63	2.8%
Michael	239.09	180.51	4.99	2.8%
Ashley	170.0	129.65	3.16	2.4%
Andrea	135.45	108.2	2.27	2.1%
Sherry	99.09	74.1	1.36	1.8%
Stephanie	120	94.56	0.91	1.0%
Victoria	162.73	145	0	0.0%
Melissa	105.91	99.09	0	0.0%
LBL	112	101.3	-0.6	-0.59%
Cheryl	103.18
Miggy	109.09
Darryl	190.91
John	220
Cherita	125.91
Migdalia	120.45
Maria	127.73
James	220.45
Patti	110.45

Can't you just smell the victory...that's right it's wrapped in a layer of butter, covered in sugar and deep fried!!!

So Week 10 has commenced or not commenced depending on the way you want to look at it and the fat funk has deepened...into a sense of complete fat failure...

By the beginning of week 10...according to my impeccable statistical calculations and the reference point of previous winners of the Biggest Loser my weight should currently be...
82.8kg that's a FAT WHOPPING DIFFERENCE OF...18.5kg...that should have been a total weight loss of 29.2kg...NOT the pissy 10.7kg...PATHETIC!!!!!!

And guess what....at the end of week 9....

I AM STILL FAT!!!!!

Hence the ever expanding FAT FUNK!!!!!

So Sunday, Monday and Tuesday have come and gone and I have done a grand total of...

NOTHING...BUBKISS....NADA....ZIP....ZERO....NIENTE.....F**K ALL

I realise that a truly determined person would turn this adversity into a reason to work harder...unfortunately readers I am NOT that person...I am a little fat tug boat whose engine is currently lying in dock whilst the owners consider decommissioning me permanently...

With the G-Star's Birthday soujourne to Melbourne rapidly approaching and a fun and food filled gluttony the order of the day...the Living Biggest Loser experiment is not looking good people and neither am I for that matter... so with fatness continuing in mind (and body) I will sign off with what appears to be my perpetual moniker...

Yours in fatness

LBL

Week 9 - Saturday 10 July

It's official...the fat funk has firmly set in...but before we start on another oh fat woe is me blog entry I wanted to let you all in on a little secret...

I have a personal trainer - Bastardo
I have a personal masseuse - Mo
and now I have a personal chef - Madster

I'm OPRAH PEOPLE!!!!!

And like Oprah, it appears that my weight loss will be slow, monotonous and on some level completely unsuccessful...put another way...a failure.

So not to break what has been a crap track record for the week...you can safely assume that today was going to be an absolute unmitigated disaster in terms of food, exercise and effort...not wanting to exceed your expectations I can unhappily report that this was absolutely the case.

Training Time:8.07am
Type of Session: PT - Cardio Box
Length of Training Time: 30min 06sec
Intensity: 1-3
Calories Burnt: 248
Cal Fat: 26%

That's IT! Short, sharp and pathetic!!! Loss of limbs is a likely outcome following tomorrow's weigh in...under 100kg is a pipe dream it would appear...this is CRAP!!!

Signing off in miserable fatness

LBL

Week 9 - Friday 9 July

So Friday came and went like every other day at the moment...in a haze of pain, sweat and jeers...at myself that is. From the inside out my life pretty much sucks at the moment even more so because every set of death dealing scales I stand on tell me that I am still...well...FAT!!!

FAT in and of itself is not a bad thing and I recently became aware that there is a whole academic discipline emerging entitled Fat Studies...an area that I am obviously an expert in! And in a moment of sage reflection there has to be on some level a deep seeded desire in myself NOT to be fat hence this ridiculous experiment...but this is about more than just not being fat...this is about deconstructing a entertainment medium that I firmly believe sets fat people up for failure, this is about highlighting that no matter how much all we fatties may wish it there are no quick fixes to losing weight, this is to highlight that losing weight can be an expensive and time consuming endeavour and this is to highlight that fat/weight loss is at its very core...HARD!!!

Another thing I think we are all likely to discover along this...well road to nonfatness...is the definition of success or better yet the definition of failure...at the moment thanks to my own mental short comings and the false expectations created by the Biggest Loser I currently feel well...like...a FAILURE...hence my pitiful efforts this week on all fronts...

As I mentioned Friday, like every other day, started at Satan's Lair with a PT session with Bastardo:

Training Time:8.49am
Type of Session: PT
Length of Training Time: 35min 55sec
Intensity: 1-2
Calories Burnt: 232
Cal Fat: 34%

That was just the warm up people...having missed the previously scheduled Stage 4 of the Tour de Fat due to, well....lack of commitment...this was it...a good portion of Team FAT (proudly sponsored by Lard,Butter and Ghee - the people's weight loss company) was lined up for Stage 4 - G-Star, Madster, Bastardo and Jan Jan were in the pack with me and we were ably led by the luscious Jess...pedal master:

Training Time:9.29am
Type of Session: Stage 4 - Tour de Fat
Length of Training Time: 47min 20sec
Intensity: 1-3
Calories Burnt: 409
Cal Fat: 26%

Dismounting and walking like John Wayne...Stage 4 Tour De Fat...COMPLETE!!

As mentioned, the mornings always appear to get off to a good start and then we wain in an absolutely stellar fashion...today was no different...that was it for the day...other than my afternoon reward (which to be honest for the last few weeks I haven't really deserved) I attended my standing appointment with my Masseuse...Mo (has the hand of a goddess!!)

Another Friday come and gone.....

Yours remaining in fatness

LBL

Week 9 - Thursday 8 July

This is going to be a quick post due to the fact that all aspects of my little social experiment have been lack lustre to say the least this week...exercise, food and well blogging...

The morning's appear to OK...appear to be able to crack a decent effort out in the AM but the PM is an absolute bust...

So the morning began as usual...off to Satan's Lair for a PT with the Bastardo:

Training Time:7.45am
Type of Session: PT
Length of Training Time: 31min 04sec
Intensity: 1-2
Calories Burnt: 245
Cal Fat: 28%

Unfortunately that was really it for the day...as work (which I do, do on occasion) took up the remainder of my time...no excuse I know but it's all I've got!

At the moment I am really feeling a lot like this little nightmare is something I will never wake up from...60kg is this Utopian number that will never exist on my fat scales and it's all, well a little hopeless....

Need to back up and try to refocus...Tour De Fat Stage 3 tomorrow...we'll see...

Yours in fatness

LBL

Week 9 - Wednesday 7 July

I believe the term is certifiable and no doubt if further investigation was carried out on my fat little mind, well let's just say, it wouldn't be pretty...On a daily if not minute by minute basis I question my own sanity for having embarked upon this humiliating, torturous, dignity stripping, mind f**king path of fat loss...today unfortunately is no different to any other...

Out of bed and to Satan's Lair for the morning's session of ritual humiliation and torture...this morning a double header with a PT session and Trevive (remember I have mentioned this humiliation before...fat flies one way hands and legs another...it's not an attractive sight people and even more humiliating given that others have the horror of witnessing what I believe is the television show dance yourself thin as a reality program at their very own gym)...things have actually gotten so bad that I am now eating my breakfast (Special K with no fat milk) at Satan's Lair...this is ridiculous I do have a home to go to!!!)

My peeps - Psycho Jess and Sally attempted to tempt me into using a new contraption that has been installed at Satan's Lair that looks like a high class hooker could charge an exorbitant amount of money to use on you...it hangs from a mental hook, has straps and chaps and chains and...let's just say those days are long gone people...long gone...so graciously declining the invitation (I believe my words were something akin to F**K Off) it was PT and Trevive for the morning...

Training Time:7.55am
Type of Session: PT
Length of Training Time: 48min
Intensity: 1-3
Calories Burnt: 312
Cal Fat: 30%

For the uninitiated Trevive is a unique little sadomasochistic session that involves cardio, weights, balance and ab work...all this conveniently delivered in a 45min group torture session by everyone's favourite pocket trainer (said with love) Treva!

Training Time:9.36am
Length of Training Time: 51min 15sec
Intensity: 1-2
Calories Burnt: 275
Cal Fat: 37%

The intention was to return for stage three of the Tour De Fat in the afternoon but unfortunately my body and headache had other ideas...I recognise for the sheer enjoyment of my readers and continued ritual humiliation of myself I should attempt to push through these pescy little trifles but unfortunately the headache which was quickly evolving into a migraine got the better of me and the slumber cloud was calling very loudly to envelop my fat little aching body for the afternoon....so...that's it really for today....reflecting back on the week thus far it's been a pretty piss poor effort...I would have hoped by week 9 I would really be in to the full swing of this shit and being the f'athlete that I so obviously am would be regularly pulling 4 to 6 hours training per day...an amusing thought!

Tomorrow's another day (of torture)...so with that in mind...

Yours in fatness

LBL

Week 9 - Tuesday 6 July

Surprisingly enough pulled up rather well from yesterday's efforts, I may look like I am getting a full calf/shin tattoo due to the dye that is coming out of my calf brace but other than that, things are progressing. Alright to be perfectly honest the arse is somewhat sore in spite of the fat person gel seat being used in RPM but as they say NO PAIN NO GAIN or should that really be NO PAIN NO LOSS - because if I gain any weight people I may well go postal!!

There seems to me to be a bit of a challenge in getting a balance between high intensity torture (exercise) and watching every ounce and calorie that goes into your mouth on a minute by minute basis...at the moment I seem to be able to do either one or the other really well...last week it was the food...this week the exercise...so to be perfectly honest had a bit of a Vita Wheat and butter melt down this afternoon/evening. That combined with a double helping of the Madster's low fat Chocy Cake and the caloric deficit for the day was not all that impressive!

But let's work through it for blogging purposes:

Training this morning was brutal, cruel and unusual and lasted an extra 15 minutes resulting in a 45min session with the Bastardo:

Type of Session: PT
Calorie Burn: 238

The plan for the day was at least another two sessions and given the Madster has become your quintessential Gym Junky and was heading in to do a step class with the Trev, I though it opportune to attempt a cardio session. Now given that running is off the agenda at the moment and as you can imagine I am completely devastated about that :) the Bastardo has developed a little torture set he calls Cardio Hell...this fine little piece of satanism consists of the following:

10 minutes on treadstepper (hard to explain even harder to do!)
5 minutes on the Cross Trainer (backwards and pyramid down from level 15)
5 minutes on the Rower

We then repeat this little water boarding oops sorry I mean work out for another set...and then if we haven't collapsed in a pool of our own sweat, for a third time...suffice to say haven't quite made it to number 3 as yet!

So, the Cardio Cane resulted in the following:

Type of Session: Torture
Calorie Burn: 505

Following a bit of an unplanned lunch out (those Turkish bread wraps are a killer!) the fat little body and mind was waining to the point of a much needed Nana nap...unfortunately following the Nana nap, the body and more importantly the mind had completely shut down and there was no awakening the fat little devil...so the day was done!

Well not quite, apparently my fat little mind and body went into food/hunger overdrive and our low caloric Pizza treat was not enough to quell the fat angry little beast...result...really bad caloric intake day with no where near enough output to justify it....my Biggest Loser Gospel informs me that the day resulted in a caloric deficit of 1175....the destruction of the fridge and pantry was ugly people...ugly....

Loss of leg looking highly likely in order to reach the elusive under 100kg people...loss of leg....

Yours in fatness

LBL

Week 9 - Monday 5 July

OK People...this week is it, even if I have to cut my own leg off to achieve it...we will be under 100kg...there will be a double digit on those hideous, cruel, taunting insultameters (the scales) by Sunday or we start losing more body parts people!!! I recognise that there has been some weight loss in the past 8 weeks and that's all well and good I suppose but let's face it, in spite of my continued efforts at Satan's Lair it hasn't been all what it's cracked up to be (thanks to those lying Bastards who produce the Biggest Loser!) So, at week nine we really need to do a stock take, so to speak, and see if there is anything else that can be done to hasten this damn fat away from my body!!


So this week is heading to a new level in fat extrication...more burn for my butt so to speak...we have a few exciting little items on the menu for week 9 including the continuation of the Tour De Fat - on that note did you know that there are 21 stages to the Tour De Fat...that's 21 stages people and we have completed???? Well 1!!!!


So off to Satan's Lair to begin the B....U.....R......N.....

Now I'm leaving off some of the finer details of the session but you will still get the gist...

Type of Session: PT and Cardio
Calories Burnt: 794

So following the solid hour and a half at the Lair it was home to shower (there is only so much time I can spend wallowing in my own filth) and then some work - yes that's work G-Star...I do do it sometimes!

Back to Satan's Lair at 4.15pm for the Second Stage of the Tour De Fat....my fat Posse seems to be waining somewhat, the G-Star has dropped out of this stage but my trusty and faithful Madster was there at my side dragging me along in her wind wash (or whatever the hell the professional cyclist call it)... so I'm not exactly wearing the Yellow Jersey at the moment but hell...it's only stage 2 people...THERE ARE 19 STAGES LEFT!!!! Result

Type of Session: RPM (Group Training)
Calories Burnt: 405

So the week is off and cycling (remember no running at the moment I am harbouring a F'Athlete injury)...solid Caloric Deficit for the day according to the Biggest Loser Diary (-2409calories) - I am kind of partial to certain body parts people so let's hope none of them have to go this week in order to achieve the ever elusive Under 100kg!!!

Yours in fatness

LBL

Week 8 - Saturday 3 July - Sunday 4 July Weigh In

I recognise I've been slack with my entries for the past few days...been busy training people!!! So we will cobble the last few days into one blog...

So Saturday came with a new strategy, rather than eating breakfast out as our little treat the G-Star and I decided with the view of 'eye on the prize' we would stick to the eating plan and save the breakfast 'celebration' for Sunday following the weigh in...under 100kg or bust people.

So it was off to Satan's Lair for a morning session with Bastardo - Cardio Box...leg is still giving me some hell but attempted to push through and delivered a decent caloric burn for the session:

Training Time:7.55am
Length of Training Time: 40min
Intensity: 1-2
Calories Burnt: 200
Cal Fat: 40%

Other than watching the food consumption, that was about it for the day...in desperation did have a sauna in the afternoon for about 30mins - sweat out evil fat! But the body, especially the leg was in desperate need of a bit of R&R...this may have an adverse effect on the goal people but short term pain...long term punishment!

So Sunday...Weigh in Day rolled around quite quickly and with it a hell of a lot of trepidation...so off to the heffer scales at Satan's Lair and the result....(drum roll please)...FAILURE...100.7kg - a loss of 1.6kg...it's a BUST!!!

In terms of the comp, let's have a look:

Australian Competition:

Contestant	Starting Weight	Week 8	Loss	%
David	165.6	107.8	5.5	5.1%
Rick	172.6	111.1	5.5	5.0%
Shannon	214.3	150.6	7.3	4.8%
Lisa	121.9	81.5	3.2	3.9%
Caitlan	179.0	126.9	4.6	3.6%
Joe	179.9	122.5	4	3.3%
Phoebe	116	82.5	2.5	3.0%
LBL	112	100.7	1.6	1.59%
Phil	146.9	99	-4.9	-4.9%
Daina	105.2
Chris	129.9
Wayne	161.5
Jarna	118.8
Teneal	97.4
Elise	104.6
Jenni	130.6
Geoff	161.6
Romi	99.3
Allan	151.8

Really may as well be last due to the fact the Phil was positively emaciated by the time he reached the Commando's training camp!!!

US Competition

Contestant	Starting Weight	Week 8	Loss	%
Darris	157.27	117.3	4.08	3.5%
Lance	165.91	131.83	4.54	3.4%
Koli	183.18	139.12	4.54	3.3%
Sunshine	125	102.29	3.18	3.1%
Sherry	99.09	75.46	2.28	3.0%
Andrea	135.45	110.47	3.18	2.9%
Cheryl	103.18	82.76	2.27	2.7%
Ashley	170.0	132.81	3.63	2.7%
Michael	239.09	185.5	4.08	2.2%
O'Neal	176.82	141.38	2.28	1.6%
LBL	112	100.7	1.6	1.59%
Stephanie	120	95.47	1.36	1.4%
Sam	169.09	130.44	1.41	1.1%
Victoria	162.73	145	0	0.0%
Melissa	105.91	99.09	0	0.0%
Miggy	109.09
Darryl	190.91
John	220
Cherita	125.91
Migdalia	120.45
Maria	127.73
James	220.45
Patti	110.45

Obviously I am more suited to the US version of this competition...let's hope that I get the ultimate same results by the end of this fiasco.

That said, the weekend came and went and week 9 is fast approaching...it's this week People!!! Under 100kg??????

Yours in fatness

LBL

The Tour De Fat - Week 8 Friday 02 July

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line
Engines pumping and thumping in time
The green light flashes, and flags go up
Churning and burning they yearn for the cup
(from the Distance by Cake)

Well the only true statement in that little lyrical segway is RELUCTANTLY...oh I need to digress or you simply will not follow the torture trail...

Well the dreaded Friday has finally rolled around...desperately searching for ways to avoid this but alas I can find none...the Living Biggest Loser Posse is in place and threatening me with physical violence if as their Team Fatty I do not line up at the start for the Tour De Fat (otherwise known as RPM with Treva!)

But we really need to start at the beginning and I realise my ramblings so far in this blog entry are very much related to the fact that I have been having an out of body experience for the past 6 hours due to oxygen deficiency and pain!

So the morning started off like all the others...wake up, bribe the G-Star with breakfast in bed (with a cup of tea) and then off to Satan's Lair for the morning's PT - Personal Torture:

Training Time:8.56am
Length of Training Time: 35min 34sec
Intensity: 1-2
Calories Burnt: 200
Cal Fat: 33%

Like all 'professional fat'hletes' that was just the warm up...needed to be limber and flexed and in Lycra (just kidding we can't scar ALL the people at Satan's Lair) in order to lead the Fatty's Posie on....

THE TOUR DE FAT

What is the Tour De Fat you may ask??? Well, if we hark back a few weeks I think you will all remember the 9min effort for Treva's Tuesday afternoon RPM class...the arse (and all my Girly Bits) just would not cut it!! However, greased up with a fat person's gel seat and bullied by my peeps (G-Star, Madster, Jess, Jan Jan and of course Bastardo) into agreeing to giving it another spin (excuse the pun) and we were off and peddling in the Tour De Fat...

Now I can't say the fat person gel seat completely served its purpose as my sizable arse (and other bits) still hurt like buggery BUT...

I DID IT!!!

I completed the first stage of the Tour De Fat with all fat bits relatively intact (bar for slight dairy air bruising) and worked up a sizable sweat (and calorie burn in the effort!!!)

Training Time:9.30am
Length of Training Time: 1hour 05min 57sec
Intensity: 1-3
Calories Burnt: 404
Cal Fat: 33%

Stage 1 of the Tour De Fat entailed climbs, sprints, ride easy (my sore arse ride easy) etc etc. The enigmatic Treva was there spurring the Fatsters (that's my riding Group Team) on for the entire Stage and, with a little twinkle in my eye and some big bloody bruises on my bum (in spite of the fat person gel seat)...I crossed the finish line...and so did my entire team!!! Score one for the Fatsters!!!

With little else to do for the day other than my blissful massage and steam the day was all in all a relatively good one.

A trip to the Doctor rounded out the events of the day and Yes, 'professional f'at'hlete' that I am, I have strained my right calf muscle and need to do a bit of a reassess as to how to keep up with the intensive cardio without completely f**king my chances of solid weight loss for the next 10 weeks. So another expense to add to the list is off to the Physio next week for a little look see, copious amounts of pain killers and no full on running on the dreadmill at least for a few days ...devastated :)

So with that as the last thought of the day...it's under 100kg or bust people!!!

Yours in fatness

LBL

Week 8 - Thursday 01 July

Into another month and having started this fiasco in May it's been an interesting few months! The day started like all others...although I'm a little nervous as we are going out with some good friends tonight to Morrocan/Turkish and come fat or death I AM NOT GOING TO BLOW MY CALORIC INTAKE...I have been sooooooo good this week thus far and for once I am actually feeling a bit chuffed with myself!!!

So the day started out like every other...life can become a little monotonous sometimes...it was up and off to Satan's Lair for our morning PT with the Bastardo. Now I haven't previously mentioned but I appear to be carrying a bit of an injury at the moment in my right leg (shin and calf) which is hampering my efforts to some extent. But more about this later... the morning session was a cardio weight orgy of pain with the Hellfire Mistress Bastardo taking ample pleasure in the G-Star and my misery. The result:

Training Time:8.15am
Length of Training Time: 43min 01sec
Intensity: 2
Calories Burnt: 346
Cal Fat: 29%

The day was spent in a bit of running around...general chores...life basically...with the standard afternoon fair of a run with the Bastardo to look forward to (not)...

Training Time:3.28pm
Length of Training Time: 35min 09sec
Intensity: 1-3
Calories Burnt: 267
Cal Fat: 29%

Unfortunately it was at this point that the fat person injury started to kick in BIG time...now, I think it was unrealistic to believe I would get through this entire 18 week fiasco without illness or injury and to date things have been progressing quite well...however it would appear that these fat little legs or at least the right fat little leg has started to give up the ghost and running is to put it bluntly, painful...unfortunately pain doesn't help a fatty like me lose weight and it is a case of pushing through the pain to the best of your ability... it is important that I don't f**k this up at this stage of the game so an appointment with the doctor is a must just to make sure it's nothing particularly serious...

Unfortunately, that was about it for the day...and with dinner out still to face I can't say I was feeling too hopeful for a really stellar day for the caloric deficit...

Eating out is a challenge at the best of times...at the fat of times it is particularly complicated, in the midst of this madness, virtually impossible!!! That said, unlike the inmates of the Biggest Loser Camp/Ranch, life cannot stop just because you're fat and want to lose weight...now harking back to the Frittata Fiasco of last week there was a new strategy coming in to the eat out this evening...simple rule....ask.....ask the waiter....ask the manager.....ask the friggin Chef HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT??? and if the answer is with a f**king gallon on cream it is pretty safe to say...move on to the next item on the menu!!!

We take a break from our normal program for a FAT GURU thought of the day...

When dinning out DRINK WATER...GALLONS AND GALLONS of it...don't drink alcohol, don't drink soft drink....DRINK WATER! (brought to you by our sponsor H2O!!!)

So, with the menu before me and a lot of choice I opted for fish...always go for the fish...the fish was Barramundi (cooked in herbs and spices) with a garden salad and potato and cheese croquette...OK so needed to avoid the potato and cheese but otherwise ALL GOOD! When the meal arrived it was a good size - 4 small portions of Barra, two small potato like gems and a decent sized salad!! Score one for the fatty!!!

The evening entailed great conversation, fantastic friends (Peter and Coral!!) and so really, in the scheme of things the food pales into insignificance...which for a fatty is a good thing...no dessert - yes Genabler reared her evil head again but once again I resisted and a nice skinny latte to round out the evening!! Not bad fatty...not bad.

Although dreading tomorrow...the Tour de Fat (will explain in tomorrow's blog) my posse and I seem to be making some headway this week...under 100kg or BUST PEOPLE...OR BUST!!

Yours in fatness

LBL