I am officially the worst Biggest Loser contestant in all of history!!! Melodramatic?? Maybe but work with me here people I am in the absolute depths of a really FAT FUNK!!!
First things first before I lie down on the blogger couch and regale you all with my tales of fat and woe...the weigh in non results...
101.3kg...a GAIN of 600g or 0.6kg
In terms of the competition...which we all recognise is an absolute joke because I really am unable to call myself a competitor at this stage...
Australian Competition
| Contestant | Starting Weight | Week 9 | Loss | % |
| Phil | 146.9 | 91.2 | 7.8 | 8.6% |
| Joe | 179.9 | 115.3 | 7.2 | 6.2% |
| David | 165.6 | 103.5 | 4.3 | 4.2% |
| Shannon | 214.3 | 145.1 | 5.5 | 3.8% |
| Lisa | 121.9 | 78.6 | 2.9 | 3.7% |
| Phoebe | 116 | 80.3 | 2.2 | 2.7% |
| Rick | 172.6 | 111.6 | -0.5 | -0.4% |
| LBL | 112 | 101.3 | -0.6 | -0.59% |
| Caitlan | 179.0 |
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| Daina | 105.2 |
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| Chris | 129.9 |
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| Wayne | 161.5 |
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| Jarna | 118.8 |
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| Teneal | 97.4 |
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| Elise | 104.6 |
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| Jenni | 130.6 |
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| Geoff | 161.6 |
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| Romi | 99.3 |
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| Allan | 151.8 |
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Unsurprisingly....LAST
The real turn up for the books is that I am now officially LAST in the American competition as well...now there's an achievement!!!
US Competition
| Contestant | Starting Weight | Week 9 | Loss | % |
| Sunshine | 125 | 98.21 | 4.08 | 4.2% |
| Darris | 157.27 | 112.76 | 4.54 | 4.0% |
| Koli | 183.18 | 135.04 | 4.08 | 3.0% |
| O'Neal | 176.82 | 137.3 | 4.08 | 3.0% |
| Sam | 169.09 | 126.81 | 3.63 | 2.9% |
| Lance | 165.91 | 128.2 | 3.63 | 2.8% |
| Michael | 239.09 | 180.51 | 4.99 | 2.8% |
| Ashley | 170.0 | 129.65 | 3.16 | 2.4% |
| Andrea | 135.45 | 108.2 | 2.27 | 2.1% |
| Sherry | 99.09 | 74.1 | 1.36 | 1.8% |
| Stephanie | 120 | 94.56 | 0.91 | 1.0% |
| Victoria | 162.73 | 145 | 0 | 0.0% |
| Melissa | 105.91 | 99.09 | 0 | 0.0% |
| LBL | 112 | 101.3 | -0.6 | -0.59% |
| Cheryl | 103.18 |
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| Miggy | 109.09 |
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| Darryl | 190.91 |
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| John | 220 |
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| Cherita | 125.91 |
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| Migdalia | 120.45 |
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| Maria | 127.73 |
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| James | 220.45 |
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| Patti | 110.45 |
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Can't you just smell the victory...that's right it's wrapped in a layer of butter, covered in sugar and deep fried!!!
So Week 10 has commenced or not commenced depending on the way you want to look at it and the fat funk has deepened...into a sense of complete fat failure...
By the beginning of week 10...according to my impeccable statistical calculations and the reference point of previous winners of the Biggest Loser my weight should currently be...
82.8kg that's a FAT WHOPPING DIFFERENCE OF...18.5kg...that should have been a total weight loss of 29.2kg...NOT the pissy 10.7kg...PATHETIC!!!!!!
And guess what....at the end of week 9....
I AM STILL FAT!!!!!
Hence the ever expanding FAT FUNK!!!!!
So Sunday, Monday and Tuesday have come and gone and I have done a grand total of...
NOTHING...BUBKISS....NADA....ZIP....ZERO....NIENTE.....F**K ALL
I realise that a truly determined person would turn this adversity into a reason to work harder...unfortunately readers I am NOT that person...I am a little fat tug boat whose engine is currently lying in dock whilst the owners consider decommissioning me permanently...
With the G-Star's Birthday soujourne to Melbourne rapidly approaching and a fun and food filled gluttony the order of the day...the Living Biggest Loser experiment is not looking good people and neither am I for that matter... so with fatness continuing in mind (and body) I will sign off with what appears to be my perpetual moniker...
Yours in fatness
LBL
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