Have you ever wondered why people get FAT? I must admit prior to this circus of a social experiment I hadn't put much time or energy (literally) into trying to figure out how I got to be 112kg at 36 years old.
Don't get me wrong, on occasion (usually when scaring some poor, pimple faced teenager doing casual work at Myer by asking where the fat people's section is) I did curse (rather loudly) my pitiful lot in life to be fat...neither of my parents are fat (there does however appear to be a genetic predisposition to fatness on my mother's side...let's keep perpetuating the family lie and call it Thyroid issues...) but in terms of really analysing my Fatness, so to speak, there had been next to no assessment on the cause or causes.
In simple terms (because let's face it the Biggest Loser LOVES to dumb down the information) fatness is caused by too much in (in terms of fatty, dense, high calorie food) and not enough out (once again, let's keep it clean readers - in terms of energy expenditure...exercise or more fun partnered activities).
However, it isn't as simple as that is it? No matter how hard 'we' try to be 'good' (whatever the hell that may mean) life, capitalism and numerous 'industry' markets all aim to keep us fat (cynically we might think this is a global conspiracy for 'them' to make money??) Where has my holier than thou diatribe stemmed from you may well ask...well here's the story...
Having kicked off the day with a nice sturdy PT session with the lovely G-Star and not so lovely Bastardo we had a real focus on weights (lots of them and heavy...at least for a little fatty like me) the result:
Training Time:7.02am
Length of Training Time: 35min 01sec
Intensity: 1-2
Calories Burnt: 276
Cal Fat: 28%
Off to coffee and then home for a quick wardrobe change (gym gear does get excessively stinky)... apparently my car has also gotten in on the ensuring my daily efforts are in excess of what I think is possible...having had some work done on my car over the last few weeks it still wasn't running according to the manual so I thought I would take it back to the Musta for another look see...this is were I learnt my valuable lesson regarding the world ensuring I remain fat...
The Musta needed to have my car for about half an hour to look over so off to the little coffee shop down the road for a nectar of the gods and a mid-morning snack (seeing as it was time for another graze and I wasn't home for my berry delight!)...so into the caloric hellfire I went...determined to make 'good' choices because well...I'm an informed and in control fatty!
Scanning the menu I was a little concerned to see all the full fat items such as bacon and eggs, pancakes, french toast (for a split second I was envisioning myself bathed in butter and maple syrup and wrapped in a layer of french toast...sick but true) but low..there was a faint glimmer on the horizon... a frittata...I make frittata's at home...eggs, a dash of milk..with mushroom, spinach and a bit of fetta...yeh my hips thank you...my visceral fat thanks you my daily caloric intake thanks you!!! So ordered I did...with a smug look on my chubby face and a big fat heart smart tick in my...well heart...I was most pleased.
It's a good time to pause and give my dedicated readers another fat guru tip...ALWAYS ASK HOW THEY MAKE THEIR MEALS BEFORE YOU ORDER...so says your fatness Guru!
So sitting smugly, sipping my no fat, half strength latte in a mug...I waited for my excellent choice of mid-morning snack...and out it comes...all fluffy with hot buttered toast (which was pushed to the side...let's not over indulge now we have made such a good choice). So luxuriating in my excellent healthy choice I was savouring the lovely frittata..mmmm...fluffy....mmmm smooth one might say....what.....f**k....even.....CREAMY....F**k....F**k....F**K!!! Having consumed, oh about 2/3 of the meal, I stopped eating and manically waived the poor little underpaid dish washer over and looking like a possessed crazy women who hasn't had her daily fix of chocolate asked said dish washer...how do you make your frittata?
Now, I do acknowledge that it probably would have been a smarter, more informed move to have asked this question PRIOR to ordering the frittata but hey...go figure...I was unaware that there is an insidious movement afoot specially tasked with...well...KEEPING ME FAT! With a scared look in his eye (probably due to the twitching and nervous shakes I was displaying) said dishwasher scuttled off to get the 'Manager'...
carefully approaching the crazy woman's table the Manager asks if everything is 'alright'...'No' I wanted to shout 'Everything IS NOT F**KING alright...I think I have just eaten a week's worth of calories in one sitting AND might I add, IT WASN'T VERY NICE!' However, my more tempered response was..."How do you make your frittata's?' 'Oh ho ho...' says the rather rotund Manager...'You probably thought that was a really good option hey ...we make it with 3 eggs and 1/3 of a cup of thickened CREAM to make it...well...nice and CREAMY!'
Exfat me? Did he just say CREAM??? Has my hearing been adversely affected by all this damn exercise??? CREAM....CREAM....C....R.....E......A......M! A creamy, molten rage started to seethe through me...how is a fat person attempting to actually live whilst losing weight supposed to navigate their way through shit like this???
Having paid the still chuckling (and well let's face it FAT Manager) I headed back with a churning stomach to get my car. Fortunately or unfortunately whichever way you wish to look at it...my car was going to be in the shop for at least a day or two...so with no other alternative but my fat little self, it was walking in order to get home! Now this may not seem like much of an effort but I need to put a little perspective around it...the walk home was somewhere in the vicinity of 8km - burn damn cream....B......U.....R......N. The result:
Training Time:10.43am
Length of Training Time: 1hour 37min 43sec
Intensity: 1-2
Calories Burnt: 563
Cal Fat: 41%
Having locked myself out of the house, the G-Star found me laying postrate on the garage floor, comatose and in desperate need of well... a new body (no shit Sherlock! isn't that why you're doing this??)
That was pretty much me spent for the day...unable to stand vertically let alone move an afternoon run with Bastardo was a distant nightmare (that leaves me in a pool of sweat)...so all in all the day was a complete bust...fat people the world over really should unite in a show of well unity against those bastard restaurants determined to f**k up our caloric intakes for the day...week...month...year...
Yours in 'creamy' fatness
LBL
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